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Are You Being Fair ?


I saw a man smoking as he drove. Mentally, I compartmentalized him as a weak person who is slave to addiction. A bit further on I saw a woman driving with a cigarette. My passion thought was that she was trying to have her “moment” – I imagined her to be a liberated woman and in charge of herself.

Instantly, I realized both thoughts were judgmental and gender discriminatory, resulting from preconceived notions – the result of a lifetime of experience, observations and readings. In this case, it didn’t matter too much as I am unlikely to interact with them ever.

But what happens when we carry such preconceived notions into our everyday relationships and interactions ? Almost always such prejudices impact relationships. So, if a woman believes that men are disrespectful to women, she is going through approach every man she ever meets cautiously, and her interactions are bound to be stiff and wary.

We keep striking at imagined enemies, reacting to past experience, forgetting to respond to our feelings and thoughts about the person
In front of us.  You are told to approach every new relationship with a clean slate, discarding earlier notions and experiences you had with other people. But have you thought how our fixed thoughts about someone close to us are impacting all our future interactions with the same person ? How our fixed ideas about those we know well ensure that future interactions, instead of getting better, keep worsening ! 

Think about it. Almost always, even as we converse with a parent, spouse, sibling or friend, we are operating through the screen of our preconceived notions and experience from earlier interactions with them. We think we know them so well that we forget to keep an open mind and heart. Our fixed idea dictate our present interaction, and the future trajectory of the relationship. How then can we ever give another a second chance ? 

So, if you believe that a friend is selfish, and he invites you for lunch, you will keep waiting for what he will ask in return, giving the present interaction a negative undercurrent. If you  believe your spouse takes offence easily, you will start off in a manner that tips her off on how you expect her to react, and this will sort off trigger the expected response. A self fulfilling prophecy.
  
Children and animals forget easier, but an adult carries the knowledge of an earlier negative experience in his heart, mind and eyes, influencing all interaction by looking for an agenda. And so, it is important to rid ourselves of preconceived notions if we wish to have ongoing loving and positive relationships.
  
How can one do that ? Whenever you interact with a dear one, try and accept the present interaction with an open mind. Listen carefully in order to understand; not just to respond or react. Do not overthink every situation.
  
Forget the past baggage. Trust with your heart and do not give in to the paranoia of trying to unearth several levels of meanings to everything said and done.
  
If you are willing to invest this effort, you will see your relationship take on a positive turn. Every day, is a new day, every interaction, a fresh experience.

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